justkarkar

Archive for the ‘Too Personal’ Category

I smile at her, and I take off my clothes for you. I wait for you. I watch for you. My whole life is you. I can’t breathe because I’m waiting for you. You own me. You control me. I belong to you.

Love.

*throws hands up and walks away*

He’s married.

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One upon a time

I was a fool

In love

With a fool

Aquarius meets Gemini. THIS guy was my closest friend and confidant since we met in 2001. We talked every day. About everything under the sun.

He broke my heart in August 2007 when he revealed that he was having a child. We were never in a relationship – had never so much as kissed – so I had no right to be angry. But, my heart dropped to the floor of my stomach like it was dropped off the edge of a high-rise and shattered into a dozen shards. I felt physical pain. I thought I was permanently damaged.

Vesta Williams played in my head. “Congratulations; I thought it would have been me.”

I made my peace with him and we became friends again.

It was a difficult time for him, because the relationship had already ended. I was there for him, like I had been for the past six years. But it hurt like hell.

I told him I loved him because I did. I didn’t expect him to question my motives, though.

On August 25, 2007, he asked me why did I love him. And I said I didn’t know. Then, after the conversation ended, I wrote him a list.

We made a brief attempt at a relationship in the summer of 2009 that didn’t end well. But, again, I couldn’t be mad at his reasons, and I made my peace with him, and things went back to normal.

In November 2009, I made friends with an old acquaintance I’d made in 2005. Thank you, Twitter. I thought the world of him and tried to hook him up with my sister. I couldn’t be that girl pursuing this younger guy, especially since I suspected he had dated at least one of my friends. Also, he was very… he was too damn goody two-shoes for me. I had a potty mouth and smoked cigarettes, both of which I knew to be big no-no’s in his book. Not that he knew either of these things. My sister was the good girl. The church girl. Church, Work, School, Repeat.

He had other plans, though. Told me he always liked me and scrapped the idea of dating my sister. He was a million miles away from me (opposite coasts), so I didn’t take it seriously. He was going though something physically – surgery, recovery, rehab – and we kind of bonded with all of his free time and my very flexible schedule. All-nighters on the phone. Skype. BBM.

On January 7, 2010, he responded to my playful, friendly, “lololol, I love you” with a question, “Do you love me, or are you IN love with me?” We had never even discussed dating, just fell into this pattern of constant communication and expressed adoration. But, in the split second after he asked, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. “Both.” After a long, deafening pause (do you know how it feels to say “I’m in love with you,” and get no response for 90 seconds?) he revealed his feelings for me. “Over all this time, [mushy mushy mushy], I want to see where this vibe takes us.” I’ve written about THAT guy before. Guy #2.

In April 2010, he broke my heart even worse than THIS guy did, when he revealed he was going to marry his son’s mom for very noble reasons. I couldn’t be mad – we had never been on a date or even kissed because of our distance. But this time, instead of my heart shattering, it was ripped from my chest and a gaping, aching hole was left in its stead.

Again, I made my peace and wrote a letter, which I may or may not have published in this blog, and, after he read it, we became friends.

After I got over my pain, I realized they together taught me a lesson. They proved to me that my capacity to love will never be broken. I can fall again. Because I did fall again. I am grateful for learning that my love, though all-consuming, will never be broken. I do not hold our situations against anyone else. I am not bitter, as evidenced by the fact that I fell again after heartbreak.

But THIS guy… He fell back from our friendship when I got involved with THAT guy. He always told me he would take his bow when I fell in love and he kept his word. He watched from a distance while our very public and very secret romance bloomed.

He is a strange, unpredictable creature. He displays his vulnerability, but will deny it to the very end. He makes small gestures that are evidence of his feelings – he has voluntarily rescued me more than once, always calls me or surprises me on my birthday, that kiss on the forehead when I run into him on the street, and when he sees me talking “too close” with another man, he creates subtle displays of jealousy. But, to ask him, he has “no emotions.”

Confront him, and he will express his feelings. “I love you. I love your smile. I love your sense of humor. I love your physical beauty. I love your inner beauty. I love who you are as a person. I love who you are as a woman. I love how strong you are. I love how delicate you are. I care about you a lot. I worry about you. I am protective of you. I want the best for you. I wish you had a better support system. I think your time for greatness is coming because you deserve it.”

Then he says, “As I get older, my circle grows smaller. You have been a key part of that circle for over 10 years now. I can’t risk losing your friendship if our relationship doesn’t work out.”

Then, as I change the subject as only a Gemini can, he follows it up with “I don’t have any emotions. Nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad, nothing makes me angry, and that worries me.”

It is bullshit because he can be very passionate, but it bothers me that he thinks this way.

Then, we have this exact conversation 45 minutes later… Him, nonchalant as fuck, “I’ma get married when I’m 40 or 45.” Me, jealous as fuck, “What the fuck is that? You’re getting married in 10 years??? WHO?!?!?!” Him, amused as fuck, “What?” Me, entertained and alarmed as fuck, “WHO?!? WHO are you going to marry?” Him, pensive, then nonchalant, “You.”

He irks my soul.

He needs time to find himself. All I pray is that he finds the right one. Which I’m sure won’t be me because I am over the game.

This, however, is not about hating him. Which I tell him often, and he always responds with “It’s a thin line between love and hate.” And I tell him that one day he is going to push me too far over that line and there will be no coming back. And he replies, “never,” EVERY SINGLE TIME.

But, this is not about that. This… is about… wanting the feeling he used to give me. The feeling he evokes now is not the same. My infatuation peaked around the time of this list. He doesn’t give me butterflies anymore, and half of these things either no longer excite me, or no longer occur. Some of them, I just don’t even know what the hell they meant anymore.

I was innocent back then. He was obsessed with me in the innocently curious way a young child chases butterflies. I was obsessed with the feeling in the chase.

I want it back. The feeling. Not that relationship with him.

I don’t hold my future love to this standard because I know it will be different, and hopefully, greater, but I would kill to be that girl again.

Nevertheless, for nostalgia’s sake… and unedited, against my better judgement and narcissistic need to make myself look less… in love.

August 25, 2007

You asked why I love you as though you weren’t aware that I did. How could you not know?

I love that you make me want to be perfect even though I know I don’t have to be afraid to be imperfect in your presence.

I love that you are hard on me sometimes.

I love your concern.

I love that you show your passion every once in a while.

I love that you see me at my worst – drunk, emotional, scared, hurt, angry, and/or without makeup, lol – and don’t run from it.

I love that in a room (or outdoor club, lol) full of people who want my attention, yours is the only attention I want – and that I can get that attention.

I love that I don’t have to be anybody but me in front of you.

I love that I want to fk you til one of us passes out. 😀

I love that I can picture still being completely charmed by you when I’m 100.

I love your smile.

I love your eyes.

I love that you think you’re fly. 😉

I love your laugh.

I love that you notice when I cut my hair.

I love that you noticed that my ears turn red when I blush. I sooooo love that!

I love that you like when I smile.

I love that you give me butterflies.

I love that I can’t stop smiling when you look at me.

I love that I feel like you’re looking into me instead of at me.

I love that you think you know me. Lol

I love that you know me so freaking well!

I love that you can be profound, intelligent and completely obnoxious all in one breath.

I love that I am so ridiculously attracted to you.

I love that you turn me on.

I love that you know you do and you do it on purpose.

I love that you wear shorts.

I love that you cracked me UP telling your boy that I bit you last night.

I love that you get a kick out of my little ego strokes. 🙂

I love that you told kitten not to scratch me.

I love that you always smell so good.

I love that all the stresses of my life completely disappear whenever you are hugging me.

I love that I am not afraid to tell you all this mushy ish. Lol

I love the sound of your heartbeat.

I love that you make me feel completely safe and completely vulnerable at the same time.

I love that you bought me a drink on your birthday. lol

I love that you keep an eye on me.

I love that you like to debate.

I love that you are a competent debater. 🙂

I love that you have never made me feel incompetent… even w/your Slow Unit jokes. lol

I love the way you say my name.

I love the look on your face last night. I still can’t believe you said that, but the look on your face was enough to prove you right.

I love that you would probably wear my ass out.

I love that you make me oh so weak sometimes.

I love when you call me baby girl.

I love that you get all up in my face even though I’ve warned you about that ish. lol

I love that you encourage me.

I love that I actually notice the days I don’t see you or talk to you.

I love that you say I like thick and dark even though we both know what I like… lol

I love that you say I have groupies and that there is always someone in my ear. lol

I love that you know my feelings and I don’t feel threatened by that.

I love that you can read me like a book.

I love that you know things other people wouldn’t understand even if I spelled it out for them.

I love that you are always right. lol. Usually.

I love that you make me want to make you happy.

I love that you always have something to say when someone is in my personal space.

I love that you invade my thoughts, dreams and daydreams on a rather regular basis.

I love that you call my bluff. lol

I love when you play with my hair.

I love when you grabbed my hair.

I love when you move my hair to see if my ears are red.

I love that you did my brackets for me when I was doing the NCAA pool last year.

I love that you’re protective.

I love that just knowing you restores my faith when I need it.

I love that you think you’re funny. :p

I love that you think I’m funny. lol

I love that you said you were happy when I said you were popping in my mind.

I love that you know when I’m smiling as I type. lol

I love that you think I got game.

I love that you want to know why I love you.

I love that you want me to tell you what you do to me when you already know. lol

I love that you say you don’t know what I see in you.

I love that you flatter me incessantly.

I love that you remembered my birthday before I mentioned it. 🙂

I love that you tell me you are happy for me when I share good news with you.

I love that you said “tuff girl draws” lmao

I love that you care.

I love that you give me good advice.

I love that you said something… and it was so not-profound it actually made me remark. lol

I love that you make me want to bite you for some odd reason. SORRY!!!

I love that you make yourself out to be so big and bad even though you’re not.

I love that I have to restrain myself from touching your lips.

I love the feel of your hands on my skin.

I love how you manage to make me feel nervous and confident at the same time.

I love that you make me feel things I’ve never felt.

I love that you make me say thing I never thought I would say (the x-rated ish as well as the sappy ish).

I love the sound of your voice.

I love that you make my heart race.

I love that I was able to fluster you once. lol

I love that I chose this list over going out tonight.

I love that you remember details of when you first met me.

I love that a little voice in the back of my head screams for me to keep my distance from you but I’m still drawn like a magnet.

I love that there are a thousand songs that remind me of you which means I think of you often.

I love when you are authoritative (I think that’s the right word).

I love that you had an eye on me when Johanna was sitting on your lap at Reef. lol

I love that you gave me the most awesome hug ever at Fat Tuesday. lol

I love how you look in your work clothes. 🙂

I love that you are confident but not repulsive.

I love the eCard you sent me for my bday!

I love that I want you to know all of this so bad that I’m fighting sleep and restlessness to sit here and add to the list. lol

I love that I have a million more reasons why I love your azz.

Maximum Kara. 258 pounds of awesome. Philly, January 2010

So. I’m… Fat.

Once upon a time (circa 2006) I lost almost 40 pounds by loosely following the South Beach diet.

In 2008, according to my Weight Watchers Online records, I got down to 239 while loosely following their PointsPlus Plan.

In June 2009, I reached a high of 258 lbs and hovered in that area for about six months, maxing out again in January 2010 (see photo, left).

Over the course of 2010, I lost 30 pounds again – down to a low of 222 in October 2010 (see photo, below), but this time without any particular regime. While I made a conscious effort to be more healthy after seeing the New Year’s photo you see here, I mostly attribute it to living in other people’s homes and having my own issues with violating their space more than necessary. I stay in my room and out of their way as much as possible, which includes using the kitchen only when absolutely warranted.

36 pounds lighter and I really don't see the difference. Baltimore, October 2010.

Well, I’ve been living alone for almost a year now, and… Here we go again.

This very moment, I am exactly 10 pounds shy of my maximum. The vitals (BP, cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood sugar) are all good, as they always have been, except that gotdammed BMI is sky-high. My body fat percentage is only 4% above what is considered healthy, and my waist circumference only two inches larger than the recommended maximum. HOWEVER, at 5’9″ and 248 pounds, I have a Body Mass Index of 36.6. Anything over 25 is considered overweight, and anything over 30 is labeled obese. In that Fat Kara picture up there… my BMI was 38.1. Morbidly obese according to these guys. How obnoxious, right??!

To get my BMI in the normal range, I should weigh between 125 and 168 pounds. How is 125 pounds at 5’9 and some change even normal? Right now, my jeans are a size 14 which isn’t scary bad, and my bras are a 40F. Where, dear God, will my 80 pounds come from? I’ll end up as a “healthy” 34B? Eww. I don’t want to be thin or flat-chested. Not at all. I want “the perfect coke-bottle figure” (yeah, there’s a math to it, click the link) and to be able to buy bras at Victoria’s Secret like normal women. I’ll try to stick with the plan til I reach 168, but I can’t make any promises if  I like what I see at 200 pounds or somewhere else between here and there.

Also, the most rapid yet safe rate of weight loss is approximately 1% of  your body weight per week… So, I get to lose 2 – 2.5lbs per week for about five months, then 1.5 – 2lbs per week for another five months. Ten months is a long gotdam time to deny myself some chocolate filled cupcakes. Inhumane, even. So, we’ll have to take a break for my birthday in June, and start over immediately after. *sigh* By next New Years, I, too, can be healthily curvy and continue my mission to remake myself as a total sexpot.

This time, since I’m obviously at least moderately successful at both diets, even if I hadn’t the wherewithal to stick with the healthier way of life for more than a couple months in the past, I’m going for a long-term hybrid of South Beach and Weight Watchers. I’ll stick to my daily points value of 40, and am going to do the first two weeks low-fat and carb-free (or close to it). It’s really not so hard to eat fish, poultry, dairy, and vegetables for two weeks. Veggie omelets (with cheese) for breakfast, soup and salad (with cheese) for lunch, grilled or baked chicken or fish and veggies (with cheese) for dinner. After the two week cleansing and reconditioning period, I’ll reintroduce whole fruits and whole grains

None of this starts til I wake up on Sunday, January 1st, though. New week, new month, new year. It feels right and sounds like success.

As far as exercise, it’s three miles from here to 30th Street Station, so, I’ll make it a point to walk at least that far on a daily basis. I like seeing the sleepy city in the wee hours (and makes tons of friends that way), plus it gives me time to wake my grumpy ass up before I get to the office.

I went for a practice run of the diet today, and despite the irresponsible act of skipping breakfast, and that delicious ass bacon, it was a pretty healthy day. I went to Reading Terminal Market this morning (Wednesday mornings are best because it’s the first day that the Amish are there, as well as student discount day at Iovine’s) and for $12.82, I got: 6 plum tomatoes, 4 ears of white corn, 3 cucumbers, 2 broccoli crowns, 2 red onions, a head of cauliflower, a head of romaine, a stalk of celery, a bag of spinach, a bag of spring mix, and a bag of string beans. Word to the fine folks at Iovine Brothers and OK Lee Produce. #allfresheverything

While making my lunch, I had a slice of Brown Sugar Ham from Hatville Deli (in Reading Terminal Market). A serving, which is six slices, totals 2 points, but I literally only had one slice, so let’s call it one point as there are no halves in Pointsdom. Lunch turned out to be a huge salad of iceberg lettuce (1/4 head), 1 plum tomato, 1/4 cucumber (with skin), and less than 1/4 cup of diced red onion tossed with two tablespoons of Wishbone Italian Dressing, and a slice of american cheese (also from Hatville Deli) diced up on top of it all. I washed it down with a 20oz cup of green tea with one tablespoon of sugar in it, and a 16oz bottle of water. My PointsPlus tracker says all this, which stuffed me to the brim, had a total point value of FOUR (ham included), but I always round up, so I’ll call it five to be on the safe side.

Continuing with my ridiculously cheap cornucopia o’ produce, I wound up making a belly-busting (in more ways than one) dinner. There was a wrap of grilled chicken, cucumber, plum tomato & red onion tossed with balsamic vinaigrette and wrapped in a flour tortilla for an alleged value of five points; 1.5 cups of steamed broccoli and cauliflower topped with a melted Kraft Single for a value of two points (all in the cheese, of course); a cup of cabbage fried in the grease of two bacon strips (both of which I ate during preparation, of course), for a total value of three points; and a steamed cob of corn lightly sprinkled with sea salt and no butter for a total of two points. I added another 20 ounce cup of green tea with sugar and a 16oz bottle of water, of course. They say my heaping big meal and beverage combo was 12 points total. Of course, I’ll call it 13 (probably more like 14), but really, I wasn’t able to finish it all.

Even with my generous estimate of 19 points consumed today, I have 21 left. I’m fighting the urge to bake chocolate chip cookies. Luckily, I don’t think I have enough brown sugar left. But I’ma go look anyway. If I can talk myself down, though, I may settle for some Tostitos Hint of Lime chips topped with 2% cheddar, homemade chili, some salsa and a dollop of light sour cream. But that’s only 12 points total. Or be lazy and have a piece of Sargento Reduced Sodium String Cheese (one point). Or maybe I’ll finally discover the phenomenon of celery and peanut butter for three little points. Or, ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!

Which leaves three questions: 1 – What will I do with the rest of today’s points? 2 – How does anyone fail at this diet? 3 – How does anyone lose (weight) on this diet?



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  • Najeema: I've got the same plans (and posterboard on my kitchen table) for a vision board. I'll share mine if you share yours, lol. Hoping you attract everythi
  • NVRGVUP: Love is where it's at!