justkarkar

Archive for March 2012

Today’s Facebook status:

I’ve never believed that a relationship should be work. If you two “fit,” it should come naturally, be comfortable, and not feel like a struggle. As such, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life alone, and being reprimanded by my peers for not giving people “a chance,” which is bull cuz I give everyone a chance. It’s just that I bail at the first sign of difficulty, and I’m ok with that. It kept me drama free for 32 years. Why should I hang around when I’m the only one giving my all? You’re not a child, and I’m not your mother, obligated to care for you through all your tantrums, selfishness and disrespect. I haven’t vowed before God to love you for better and for worse, so why should I remain a victim of a bad that outweighs the good? I’m so cool. Happily single would be a stretch, cuz we all yearn for love and our other half, I think, but I’d rather be ok and walking alone than miserable at the hands of another.

The inspiration? The last 4 months, 3 weeks and 4 days of my life.

Things happen, and on October 27th, 2011, at the ripe old age of 32, I found myself with a permanent houseguest. 

At first, it was cute. Sometimes we went out, sometimes we ordered take-out, sometimes we had delivery. Lots of cuddling and kissing and all that bullshit. Church together and everything. He talked about how surprised he was that he’d fallen in love with me so fast, and how he loved waking up to me every morning, and I heard him repeatedly thank God for bringing me into his life.

Then the time to pay the bills came and the storytelling started. Occasionally, there was a decent sum of money, usually a couple hundred dollars, but never his full share. It was always just enough to get me off his case for a week, then when I brought it up again, there was some tragic progression to his most recent story, some fantastic promise, etc. 

Normally, I would have never spoken to him again after my first request for rent money or whatever was denied. I have a supremely and notoriously low tolerance for another adult rocking my boat.

Don’t ask me why I chose to try something new at this junction. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him to leave at the first sign of trouble because I don’t know. He spun the story and I guess I wanted to give him a chance. I wanted to believe him.

Instead, what happened is we fought and fought for four months. The more I scream, the more he does to placate me – my house has never been so clean – but he never admits fault or stupidity or asks forgiveness.

At the worst, when I am thisclose to physical violence, or am crying tears of anger, that’s when he starts confessing. It’s like only when I’ve reached my limit does he understand that he owes it to me to be honest. Things haven’t been good for him, and he thought he could cover it up until he could fix it. Plain as that.

The thing is, he was raised pretty well off. His mom solved every problem with a phone call. She was well-connected, and although estranged, his wealthy father provided for him financially. His parents failed to teach him how to be a man… How to be responsible… How to protect the people he loves. He is very giving, but he does not know how to get.

His ego is outrageous which could be a cultural thing. He sees that his job is to solve the problem, and not incrementally. He thinks if he can calm me down long enough for him to fix the physical problem, then the thing is resolved, which is not how it works with me. I need to know how we got here. WHY do we even have this problem. what your priorities are, why you chose to lie to me, how you can be comfortable and have any self-respect while using me like this, etc.

His default is not to fix the problem, but to find a solution. Think, coming home with money he lowkey conned from a friend (maybe sold them something for more than its worth) rather than getting a job. Which leads to him lying to soothe my fears and anger while he tries to find a solution. 

It turns out he was laid off. Because of the setup of his job, he isn’t eligible for unemployment and is having a hard time finding a job. Also, he thought he could rely on friends and family members to bail him out, but no one is in a position to do so, except his father, who refuses to do so, using this as an opportunity to teach him a lesson that should have been taught MANY years ago.

So, my limit is, and has been reached. He’s trying, but it’s not enough. The rubber band has snapped and it should never have been stretched so far. Don’t bother trying to put it back together now… Glue might work for a moment, but this particular band will never stretch as far again.

The problem now is that I don’t have the heart to put him out when he has no one and nothing to fall back on.

All that being said, I’m back to the me who doesn’t believe in working at a relationship in the sense of sacrificing to “keep” another.

Don’t get me wrong.. I’m easy-going and all about compromise, but that whole sucking it up and plodding along like a good worker bee while he does whatever the hell he wants and stressing while he relaxes… nah. I’m good. 

Thankfully, my momma didn’t raise me to believe there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t married or any such bullshit. I’m no feminist, but fuck that. I wish I would waste my life catering to some jerk who isn’t in it for me half as much as i’m in it for him. sheeeeit.

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