Archive for August 2011

I’m good for saying “been there, done that,” and quoting Ecclesiastes 1:9 as proof:

What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

Or, for my Biblically-challenged contemporaries, Lauryn Hill’s ‘Lost One’:

Remember not a game new under the sun
Everything you did has already been done

But, someone asked a question the other day, that I had never considered. I was completely aghast that I had to think about it, mostly because I may be the only person on earth who’s never considered something THIS common.

I was absolutely speechless. I’ve got plenty to say on the subject now, though, so bear with me.

The question: “What are the 5 most important qualities u seek in a spouse?”

*opens mouth to speak and nothing comes out*


The answer came to me mad easily, though, and I thought I was done with it, but, the more I look at my answer, the more it seems to deserve further contemplation. “Compassion, loyalty, wit, sex appeal, sex drive. In that order.” This is one of those things where your definition defines you. And since this little experiment of a blog is all about me defining me, guess what – it needs a little exploration.

They are all equally important in the sense that any four of the five without the fifth would not suffice, but, my order stands.

1. Compassion : sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Compassion comes first, because its presence, or lack thereof, shades every interaction in your entire universe.

“Compassion is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity. It is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfillment.” –Arthur Jersild

“Compassion is not sentiment but is making justice and doing works of mercy. Compassion is not a moral commandment but a flow and overflow of the fullest human and divine energies.” –Matthew Fox

I am… an emotional person. A sympathizer. An altruist. An empath, even (but on a much lower plane than anything resembling sorcery). Meaning, the human condition as a whole, and on an individual level affects me deeply. I feel intense emotion (happiness, sadness, anger, the whole shebang) when it comes to others, and it is my nature to help people. Helping is a MAJOR part of my character.

There is a program called Insights Discovery. Extensive personality analysis… You answer a bazillion questions and it evaluates both your conscious persona – who you are when you are not relaxing, so to speak – and your subconscious persona. Both of mine are squarely on “Helper.” My subconscious persona leans a little more toward “Supporter,” and my conscious slightly toward “Inspiring.” Supportive Helper” and “Inspiring Helper.” I live to serve.

How you sympathize dictates how you treat people… It’s not just about how you treat me, though. How you treat me and our children matters JUST AS MUCH as how you treat a total stranger or an animal. Feel free to disagree. That just means you’re not the one for me, and that’s OK by me. I’m not saying you have to give your last when you see a homeless person, but if you have no emotional reaction, or a negative one, toward the plight of another being, you and I can NEVER co-exist.

This is not mere hypothesis. I have two exes who will attest to it. They both treated me like the world, and treated other people like shit. One thought he was better than others – a valet said “thanks, brother” and his reaction was to  say aloud “you and I are not kin” in the most condescending manner – and I couldn’t accept it. The other was just rude to people who didn’t matter in his eyes – it wasn’t unusual for him to say “who the fuck are you” to a total stranger – and I wasn’t having it. And I let them both know. To this day, both come at me with this “I need you, you make me a better person” spiel at least once per season, but I’m not in the business of teaching adults how to act. Totally contradictory to my “helper” nature, I’m sure it seems, but, no sir. You don’t care about people. I am people. When you mistreat them, it hurts me. I can’t spend my days trying to revolve around someone who hurts me.

2. Loyalty: the quality or state or an instance of being unswerving in allegiance.

Loyalty comes second, because your devotion to me, although equally important in my spouse, is secondary to who you are as a person. You can be a compassionate soul and have no loyalty to me. You can’t be loyal to me if you have no sense of compassion.

Despite my Gemini flightiness, we are notoriously different people where love is involved. I have blinders when I’m caught up, and I need the same. Otherwise, it isn’t safe for me, you know? I can’t fall if you’re not gonna be there to catch me. You can’t be my everything if you can walk away. I have this whole Bonnie & Clyde/Make Me Better/Upgrade You(slightly less materialistic, though) thing going on. You gotta ride for our team, cuz I’ma damn sure do the same.

Plus, I have this inherent helper inside me. Please refer to Insights Discovery under item #1. It is my nature is to help others be their best by supporting them and/or inspiring them. You know?

3. Wit: Intellectual humor.

Say what you want. I require humor – lots of humor, and usually require it to be intelligent. It is not my fault that my IQ allegedly puts me in the top 1% of the human population. Nor is it my fault that I was born a Gemini, and thus appreciate a clever play on words.

A cheap shot is not funny if it doesn’t make any sense, though. That being said, I can’t stand people who try to make sense of the nonsensical. I know: I’m a walking, talking oxymoron. Whatevs.

Point is, I love to laugh. I live, I love, I laugh. I live to laugh. If we don’t have similar senses of humor, and you don’t amuse me, we will never in life have an interesting conversation. If I don’t enjoy talking to you, I won’t. Ever.

Plus, have you ever heard my laugh? From one person who heard me laugh wholeheartedly when caught off guard, “If you havent heard [Kar’s] pure innocent childish laugh then you havent lived.” Win-win, duh?

4. Sex Appeal: Something about him that turns me on.

This is self-explanatory, right? I have to be drawn like a moth to a flame. If there is no spark, there is no us. I’m a passionate soul and I need someone who makes me want to spend three days in a hotel room with them, preferably not talking.

Important side note, sex appeal and aesthetics are not mutually exclusive. There are plenty of “beautiful people” who don’t do it for me, and plenty of decidedly less attractive ones who do.

5. Sex Drive: libido, desire for sexual activity.

I’m a prude, cuz I don’t like to talk about it, but… *shrug* Go figure.

In that order, and all are non-negotiable.

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