justkarkar

Archive for December 2010

The Blog About Love.

I was talking to my cousin and brother about being comfortable in my own skin earlier today. And it’s true… I am me, and I am ok with who I am. The good, the bad, the ugly (aren’t the bad and the ugly the same thing?). Anyway, being comfortable with me, means not being intimidated by what other ppl think of me. Bothered, sure, intimidated, definitely not. That affords me the opportunity to love hard.

If I’m in, I’m all in. Your reaction to me, should be purely to me, and not to the “possibility.” I feel some type of way about people because they evoke that emotion, not because I think they could (or could not) return my intensity. Hell, I’m a Gemini… Most people can’t match my emotional intensity, and well, if they don’t, it’s whatever. I’m a Gemini. Shit is roses to me anyway.

“I need everything so I can give everything.” That’s not to say I’m scared to give my all to someone, but it’s disappointing  to be on my way to giving it all, only to find out it’s absolutely moot.

I’m at a point where it no longer hurts my pride/ego to learn that love, or the degree of love, wasn’t mutual, it hurts my heart because I know it could have been… immense. It makes me sad for the person who decided they didn’t want to risk their heart. And the fucked up part is, that’s what most people do. They don’t trust that it will be mutual, so they withhold. I’m past that. I’m ALL IN. If it is mutual, we’ll both be comfortable falling head over heels. If it’s not mutual, at least they can’t say they didn’t know how I felt and were scared to put it all on the line.

They’re entitled not to love me. But they’ll never be able to blame me for not letting them fall.

People give up what could be, because they’re afraid of what might be.

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There may never be any sequel, but, like, whatever. I do what I want.

I know I announced to the world that I was going to bed an hour ago, but I got sidetracked. Thank God for Twitter and Facebook and other electronic logs of my life.

So, among the more amazing things that I have had the pleasure and honor of doing in 2010 was meeting, having lunch with, and chatting with Ms. Anne Mulcahy.

For those of you who do not recognize the name, Anne is the former CEO of Xerox Corporation… She is known as “The Accidental CEO” and known for “The Turnaround of the Century.”

Named CEO of the Year by a jury of her peers at ChiefExecutive.net and ranking as one of U.S. News and World Reports’ “America’s Best Leaders” in 2008, and earning the #15 spot on Forbes’ 2009 Most Powerful Women list (she was 6th in 2005), Anne literally worked her way up from the bottom. She started as a field sales rep, and despite very limited financial knowledge, transformed the company from struggling (advised to declare bankruptcy) to prosperous during her tenure as CEO.

Ms. Mulcahy is also rumored to be a top candidate for the White House National Economic Council.

Her successor, Ursula Burns, is the first Black woman to head a S&P 100 company.

What brought this to mind is this “My Year in Statuses 2010” app on Facebook, which included a quote I posted from our conversations and her speech:

“One of the most important aspects of self-confidence is humility and saying you don’t know. Leaders have to get better at understanding that it is their people who define their success.”

This is a recurring theme in the speeches I’ve heard from Fortune 500 CEOs and other leaders who have accomplished the seemingly impossible, but I think this was the best phrasing I’ve heard to date, because it incorporates and pinpoints the ego issue. You have to be confident in yourself to recognize and acknowledge your weaknesses, and you have to be confident in yourself to seek and accept the assistance of those who complement your shortcomings.

That holds true for any task, any relationship, and undertaking, business or domestic.

And, with that said, I’m going to bed.

xo

I’m easy. lol.

Sort of.

Not really.

But, whatever… Someone gave me a superhero alter ego. Souperwoman.

Souperwoman

Get it... Soup-erwoman?

That keeps coming up over and over this past week. Makes sense considering the circumstances.

I try to live life with no regrets, but I find myself having some at this very moment. I basically wasted the past year. Living it up like I’m still 21, instead of being responsible. *ugh* I don’t even like the way that sounds. Responsible. Yuck. Age aside, I am single with no kids, so why can’t I just do what I wanna do?

Answer: because I didn’t take care of business first. I could easily be having the time of my life, but, I didn’t expect things to go down like this… That one year was all the time I needed, and I didn’t take advantage of the opportunity at all.

And now, I find myself right back in the same position I was sitting in at this time last year. Displaced, and living a “Bad Romance.”

OK, History, I get it. There will be no repeating in 2011.

Lesson learned.

A high school classmate (whom I now love dearly) kinda inspired me to start a blog. I used to blog on MySpace, and every so often I find myself missing it.

Here goes nothing.

(How do you change your font?)

What do we know about me? I’m going to assume that every one of you who ever reads this has never met me in person.

My profile pic is truly worth a thousand words… It is me, stepping into the ocean, in whatever I wore to the club, cuz I hadn’t gotten home yet, on a nearly deserted beach at sunrise on my birthday. I don’t know how to express HOW this picture is me, but it is all of me.

People call me lots of things… my favorite being “an enigma.” They call me lots of other things, too. Charming, magnetic, passionate, charismatic, real. Compliments fluster me.

It cracks me up when people meet me after knowing me and comment that cyber-me is the same as real life me. Or when they realize that something they thought must have been enhanced or fake is really me. lol. That’s like the greatest.

When someone asks me to describe myself, I say, “all of the above and none of the above” or, “I’m just me.” Entirely accurate. An intricately entwined bundle of non-sequiturs.

I live, I laugh, I love.

I love LOVE. One of the very few things I have been sure of all my life is that someone is going to write a story about my love when I find it. I totally believe in fairy tales.

I am indeed a hopeless romantic. Dim lighting and peaceful conversation does it for me.

My favorite thing anyone has ever done to me is read to me. I didn’t ask him to… He just picked up a book and started reading it.

I want someone to write me a love letter. Like really write something personal and private and special.

I thoroughly appreciate people who understand that I communicate silently because having it be overheard will sully it.

My favorite two movies ever are The Notebook and Meet Joe Black. They are the most intense love stories ever put on film. I watch them constantly and almost always alone. Quotes from the two are permanently embedded in my soul.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.
– The Notebook

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.
– Meet Joe Black

My favorite songs of all time are Stevie Wonder’s “As,” and Alicia Keys’ “Unthinkable.”

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
-As

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
Its becoming something that’s impossible to ignore
It is what we make it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful
Either way I’m saying
If you ask me I’m ready
-Unthinkable

I laugh a LOT. I crack myself up, and I laugh til I cry at least once a day.

I dream. A lot. Daydreams are the greatest. I’m having one right now. 🙂 “Sweet dreams” is one of the best things anyone can ever say to me.

I occasionally meet someone who makes me want to really look into their eyes… not make eye contact, but search for a minute…. see if I see what I’m looking for.

I fall in love with people’s eyes… their smiling eyes. That’s the #1 reason I have the hugest crush on David Akers. He has smiley eyes.

My favorite Bible verse is John 15:16. Specifically the beginning: “You did not choose me, but I chose you.”

I HATE church. But, I will watch Joel Osteen 24/7. And if I have to go… my dad is my favorite pastor.

My favorite book is called “His Princess: Love Letters from Your King.” I read one every morning. Well, every morning that I’m not losing the battle with my snooze button. So, more like, I read one every couple of weeks. You know what I meant.

Money doesn’t move me, but I do think I’d have a helluva time as a millionaire.

I love food. I love to eat, and I love to cook. I love to cook for people.

I love the Eagles. When they do well, it turns me ON.

I’m a loner. I have never been bored a day in my life. I can entertain myself incessantly and I like my company.

I’m an open book, but I’m incredibly private. When I am serious about something, it is my biggest secret. Hence, living my entire life on the internet but no one having a clue that I was having a serious, deep love affair. lol

I love when people I find truly beautiful, smart, or funny call me beautiful, smart or funny. I beam when someone says “is that all your hair?” Or when they think I wear lipstick. Nope. Thanks.

I get a kick out of men’s reactions when I walk by. Not the disrespectful ones, obviously, but, like, when I can hear you talking amongst yourselves… yeah, that makes my day.

More times than I can count on one hand, someone (male or female) has randomly kissed me. Like full on, grabbed my face in public and put their lips on mine. The fact that we didn’t even know each others names and were not on a date does not seem to bother people.

Strippers hit on me. Male and female. And not to get money.

I smoke, I drink, I curse. Just not in front of my dad.

“Sex, drugs and alcohol” is not taboo. Rum, percoset and sex in the back seat of a truck = greatest day ever. lmao. But you have to mean EVERYTHING for me to be THAT uncensored. I come off as a prude, but I’m a card-carrying rock star. Don’t test me.

Ageless. That’s the Gemini in me. People usually guess that I’m 24. And they have been guessing that I’m 24 for at least the past 5 years.

Female. I was probably Marilyn Monroe in my previous life. “I don’t mind living in a man’s world, as long as I can be a woman in it.” One day I will reinvent myself as a total sexpot. I already have it in my head that Drake is talking about me in the Deuces Remix: “you with all those curves and me without no brakes.”

Never married. Not for lack of proposals… But the ones who spark my flame are few, far between, and not available for the kind of all-encompassing, epic love story that my life will be.

I have been in love twice. Obviously it hasn’t worked out just yet.

No Children. I’m not built for single-parenting, and am determined to raise my children a certain way. That certain way involves Daddy being Mommy’s biggest fan and supporter, and vice versa, and having been her husband before Baby was conceived.

Spanish, Indian, and Middle Eastern people like to claim me, and flattering as it is, I am not. If you ask me, “what are you” and I infer that you are referring to my, uh, nationality… I will tell you American. When that does not suffice, I’ll tell you Philadelphian. If I’m fancying myself a mob wife at the moment, I might tell you I’m Italian. *shrug*

I am a Gemini (June 5th). I fit every single stereotype and every single profile ever written about Geminis. Logic rules half of me and emotion rules the other. Those are the twins. They fight. The logical one is most prevalent, but the emotional one is stronger. And will curse anyone out who says “Gemini means you’re two-faced.”

The oldest of Debo(my mother)’s three children, but I kinda lived life as a single child. Started out with my grandparents, wound up living with my stepdad in high school.

I LOVE kids. I am Auntie Lakara to four of the cutest children on earth. Two belong to my brother, the other two to my step-sister. I am also babysitter to a select few amazing little ones. If I were to hit the lottery, I would open an after-school program for kids.

I don’t have a 9-5, but I do work in Corporate America. I am mostly square – just a part-time cog in a very famous machine. Money doesn’t move me, I’m an occasional rock star, and I’m flighty, remember? No way I could work 40 hours.

I have been called a trend-setter, a taste-maker, and even a socialite once or twice, and I find it insanely entertaining. Especially when it comes from people who actually are those things. I have no personal claim to fame, but I was dropped into this “in-crowd” by a friend. About five years ago, he was about to head home after we had dinner, but said “come, go next door with me,” introduced me to one person and left. That introduction changed my life… and over time I have amassed this circle of incredibly dope people around me. Kim Kardashian-esque, as I’m told… you know, known by association instead of for a certain accomplishment. It works for me and I have the followers to prove it.

I am a classic underachiever… I was the one who had straight A’s and great SAT scores and still almost didn’t graduate cuz I was always cutting class. College dropout… I wish I was a hustler cuz I could probably do big things, but, like, it doesn’t interest me. We’re still figuring out what DOES interest me.

Side note: That was NOT a Kim K. diss… I stan for her and her sisters. Other people I stan for… Bruno Mars… Alicia Keys… David Akers.



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  • Najeema: I've got the same plans (and posterboard on my kitchen table) for a vision board. I'll share mine if you share yours, lol. Hoping you attract everythi
  • NVRGVUP: Love is where it's at!